Deep Thoughts on Impossible Dreams and Finding Peace Through The Storm
When Michael and I were first dating, we dreamt of the big family we hoped to have. Six kids was the goal and we welcomed the chaos. After life knocked us down a bit, we realized six was more than we could take on and four became the new goal. We had dreams of little boys just like their Daddy and a daughter I could raise to be a fierce woman of God (with several older brothers for dating surveillance). Then along came Eli and we knew we wanted to try for two brothers close in age. God granted us that desire with giving us Desmond just 12 months after Eli was born. Life was sleepless but beautiful and my dream for a future daughter still burned as fiercely as ever.
When Eli's health struggles became more and more involved, we realized our plan for a large family would need to go on hold while we pursued Eli's treatment and recovery. This journey with PANDAS has been devastating. For years we were crippled by his symptoms and the general lack of awareness and good advice from his medical providers. Still, my heart longed for a daughter and the hope of her fueled my tenacity. I studied "ALL THE THINGS", watched all the health guru's videos and we sought consult after consult in hopes of a plan for Eli. When Eli started praying at night for God to give him a sister, Michael and I would exchange longing glances that someday our dream for a big family could be realized. And then the Intracranial Hypertension was found and quickly thereafter the Lyme diagnosis. We finally knew the full extent of what we were dealing with only after finding an amazingly gifted, God appointed, Functional Medicine Pediatrician in Houston. Under her care we have also realized just how sick Eli is and how long of a battle we face. I turned my desperation to God, praying through my wailing cries that if God would not heal my son, that He would at least remove my desire for a daughter so that my heart could be content in knowing this was the completion of our family. God did not remove the desire but He did open a window via the sponsorship of a 4 month old baby boy in an African orphanage. Baby Luka came into our lives after a missionary friend made a social media post about him, asking for a family to financially sponsor him and his needs. While I knew the financial commitment was more than what we could take on, I also knew God was up to something. I brought the news of baby Luka to my extended family and as a clan, we all pitched in to give sacrificially so that an orphaned baby boy thousands of miles away might know a God who calls all orphans as His own and can grow families and fulfill hearts in ways that only He can.
While we've loved this opportunity to know and love Luka, the red tape surrounding international adoption prohibits us from ever legally making him our son. Africa requires that potential adoptive parents live in the country for 2-3 years prior to adopting and with Eli's medical needs, we simply cannot meet those requirements. While we are committed to financially sponsoring Luka, my heart still held on to the dream that someday, our family here would continue to grow. And then, in early 2017, my brain tumor reared it's ugly head again and my mind and body began to rapidly deteriorate. Overnight, I couldn't remember my children's middle names, I couldn't remember the dosing schedule for Eli's medications, and became debilitated by daily morning nausea, crippling joint pain and migraines that caused intractable vomiting and required hospitalization. Finally, after many months of these new debilitating symptoms, my brain simply could not function and I began having involuntary tremors which landed me in the hospital. After a litany of tests and dozens of specialty consults we learned that my tumor has grown so large that my brain signals are misfiring and getting lost. At night, the tumor acts as a road block in my "neural highway" and I've developed Central Sleep Apnea, which causes my brain to stop telling my body to breathe. For every hour I'm asleep at night, I have several periods in which I do not breathe and can't wake up. We also discovered that I have a rare genetic disorder, Ehlers- Danlos Syndrome, which likely caused the tumor to form and will ultimately shorten my life and leave me physically disabled. I am running out of time and my body cannot survive another pregnancy and what's worse, an accidental pregnancy could mean passing on this genetic condition to future children, a risk I will not take. No one should ever live life trapped by their own failing body and despite my desire for a daughter, I could never risk this for her. Finally, God had given me an answer I could not argue my way out of-my days of bringing babies into this world are done.
While my heart is NOT okay with this yet, I also know how MUCH my heavenly Father loves me, how great a price He paid for me and how sufficient His will and plan for my life is. God may never heal my body, but He will heal my heart. I may never have a daughter, but someday I may have a grand-daughter (and Michael- if you're reading, this is your notice that you are buying us BOTH ponies). God may not heal me, He may not ever fully heal Eli, He may have other plans for my family and I am OKAY with those plans in my head. But my heart, oh my stubborn, doubting, willful heart. My heart is hurting today and that's okay too. My body is broken today and that's okay too. My mind isn't what it used to be and that's okay too. Why? Because Jesus didn't die on the cross for me to have a daughter, He didn't suffer death for MY sins so that I could have an athletic body or an impressive mind. Jesus died for only ONE reason and that reason covered everything and anything that ever was or will be. Jesus died for me and for you, SO THAT the ugliness of this world, the death, the disease, the abandoned dreams and broken spirits WOULD NOT BIND US. These hard things that we all face, WILL NOT DEFEAT US, and cannot take what has been won for us in heaven. Jesus died to conquer the grave and in the moment His death was accomplished, our lives were eternally sealed, made righteous and redeemed. There is NOTHING that can be done on earth that will undo what has been accomplished by Jesus on the cross. So broken world: you can have my broken heart and my defective body but you don't get my joy today. My JOY resides forever and always in the hope of Jesus and the victory I have in Him.
O, death, where is your victory? O, death, where is your sting? The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Christ!
1 Corinthians 15:56
When Eli's health struggles became more and more involved, we realized our plan for a large family would need to go on hold while we pursued Eli's treatment and recovery. This journey with PANDAS has been devastating. For years we were crippled by his symptoms and the general lack of awareness and good advice from his medical providers. Still, my heart longed for a daughter and the hope of her fueled my tenacity. I studied "ALL THE THINGS", watched all the health guru's videos and we sought consult after consult in hopes of a plan for Eli. When Eli started praying at night for God to give him a sister, Michael and I would exchange longing glances that someday our dream for a big family could be realized. And then the Intracranial Hypertension was found and quickly thereafter the Lyme diagnosis. We finally knew the full extent of what we were dealing with only after finding an amazingly gifted, God appointed, Functional Medicine Pediatrician in Houston. Under her care we have also realized just how sick Eli is and how long of a battle we face. I turned my desperation to God, praying through my wailing cries that if God would not heal my son, that He would at least remove my desire for a daughter so that my heart could be content in knowing this was the completion of our family. God did not remove the desire but He did open a window via the sponsorship of a 4 month old baby boy in an African orphanage. Baby Luka came into our lives after a missionary friend made a social media post about him, asking for a family to financially sponsor him and his needs. While I knew the financial commitment was more than what we could take on, I also knew God was up to something. I brought the news of baby Luka to my extended family and as a clan, we all pitched in to give sacrificially so that an orphaned baby boy thousands of miles away might know a God who calls all orphans as His own and can grow families and fulfill hearts in ways that only He can.
While we've loved this opportunity to know and love Luka, the red tape surrounding international adoption prohibits us from ever legally making him our son. Africa requires that potential adoptive parents live in the country for 2-3 years prior to adopting and with Eli's medical needs, we simply cannot meet those requirements. While we are committed to financially sponsoring Luka, my heart still held on to the dream that someday, our family here would continue to grow. And then, in early 2017, my brain tumor reared it's ugly head again and my mind and body began to rapidly deteriorate. Overnight, I couldn't remember my children's middle names, I couldn't remember the dosing schedule for Eli's medications, and became debilitated by daily morning nausea, crippling joint pain and migraines that caused intractable vomiting and required hospitalization. Finally, after many months of these new debilitating symptoms, my brain simply could not function and I began having involuntary tremors which landed me in the hospital. After a litany of tests and dozens of specialty consults we learned that my tumor has grown so large that my brain signals are misfiring and getting lost. At night, the tumor acts as a road block in my "neural highway" and I've developed Central Sleep Apnea, which causes my brain to stop telling my body to breathe. For every hour I'm asleep at night, I have several periods in which I do not breathe and can't wake up. We also discovered that I have a rare genetic disorder, Ehlers- Danlos Syndrome, which likely caused the tumor to form and will ultimately shorten my life and leave me physically disabled. I am running out of time and my body cannot survive another pregnancy and what's worse, an accidental pregnancy could mean passing on this genetic condition to future children, a risk I will not take. No one should ever live life trapped by their own failing body and despite my desire for a daughter, I could never risk this for her. Finally, God had given me an answer I could not argue my way out of-my days of bringing babies into this world are done.
While my heart is NOT okay with this yet, I also know how MUCH my heavenly Father loves me, how great a price He paid for me and how sufficient His will and plan for my life is. God may never heal my body, but He will heal my heart. I may never have a daughter, but someday I may have a grand-daughter (and Michael- if you're reading, this is your notice that you are buying us BOTH ponies). God may not heal me, He may not ever fully heal Eli, He may have other plans for my family and I am OKAY with those plans in my head. But my heart, oh my stubborn, doubting, willful heart. My heart is hurting today and that's okay too. My body is broken today and that's okay too. My mind isn't what it used to be and that's okay too. Why? Because Jesus didn't die on the cross for me to have a daughter, He didn't suffer death for MY sins so that I could have an athletic body or an impressive mind. Jesus died for only ONE reason and that reason covered everything and anything that ever was or will be. Jesus died for me and for you, SO THAT the ugliness of this world, the death, the disease, the abandoned dreams and broken spirits WOULD NOT BIND US. These hard things that we all face, WILL NOT DEFEAT US, and cannot take what has been won for us in heaven. Jesus died to conquer the grave and in the moment His death was accomplished, our lives were eternally sealed, made righteous and redeemed. There is NOTHING that can be done on earth that will undo what has been accomplished by Jesus on the cross. So broken world: you can have my broken heart and my defective body but you don't get my joy today. My JOY resides forever and always in the hope of Jesus and the victory I have in Him.
O, death, where is your victory? O, death, where is your sting? The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Christ!
1 Corinthians 15:56
WOW! How is it that I can be laughing at your words one minute (Michael buying ponies) and then gut-wrenched over the stark explanation of the cross in the next. You are an amazing woman, Vanessa. And you know Avery is part yours... and I don't share her freely! :) I'm always in awe of you.
ReplyDeleteSweet friend- I have never dared to consider Avery as part mine even though Desi is totally part yours in my heart. I love that we get to share our kids this way and I'm completely smitten with that precious girl and her mama!
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